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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The change I didn't want to make

I've had some thoughts about a lot of things lately. Life is so full of things that constantly challenge us and that dare to change us. So, I guess what I want to blog about today is a series of change that may be the key to something some people have been missing.

Feel free to take this literally. It comes from my heart, so that is foremost how I mean for it to be received. But, if you take the time to dig a little deeper, you may find that there are a few hidden treasures that can/may apply to your life.....not just with children.

I will be the first to admit that I am spoiled. I am. I know it. I'm not bragging about it, I'm just stating the bitter truth. I enjoy things that are about me. I flourish when people ogle over me and pay attention to me. I like things my way. I enjoy doing what I want to do. I feel that it is my right as a woman and as a good person. God knows the world is gonna give me enough when I can, I always take advantage of the good.

When I got pregnant with Emily, I was very excited. And, I was very scared. I had no idea what I was going to do with a child. I didn't know how to raise one, and I have such high expectations of how things should be; that I was frightened because I was scared I would slight her by not raising her right. And, that would be a direct shadow of me.

When she got here... I realized that all of those fears were replaced by another emotion.


As much as I loved her, I was slapped in the face when I realized that life would no longer be about me. I had this being in my arms that had changed my whole world in just a moment. I had no preparation for it, I had not even THOUGHT about how it would impact me in that way...and I had no idea I would react in that way.

For a while, I felt like the most horrible mother in the world because even though I loved her more than my own self, I still held a bit of resentment. have no idea how it feels to love someone sooo much, and to feel like that at the same time. I fought with that for a very long time.

Then, one day I realized... I don't care anymore. God entrusted me with this beautiful, healthy, intelligent child.

THAT was my attention!.
THAT was supposed to be my pride.

So, I had to make a choice (as every parent does) as to how I was going to shape that.

Then, almost over night, it was never even another thought. It's like it vanished into nothing...almost like that emotion never existed for me. Now, I know that I am still spoiled, but it's nothing like I had in my mind before. Now, I am happy with everything in my life being about HER. That doesn't mean that I have to give up things. It doesn't mean that I have to do without... Some things work out that way anyway..and I never even see it change.

I relish in the fact that I have someone in my life that is so important. I love her unconditionally. Yes, I want to eat her sometimes. ... but only to get her closer to my heart. You see, she will respond to how I respond. She is a direct mirror image of how I chose to treat her. That's not something I taught her to do.. it's not something that she learned from a friend... it's natural. Because, she loves me just as much.

So, see... we equal each other out. ..and there's a deeper understanding than what we can see, feel, touch or even describe.

When life changes, and you are faced with a new way of life (be it subtle or drastic) you have that one slim moment to respond. Love will always win as long as it's sincere. ... but it goes beyond that.

My love for her isn't a conscious effort. My decisions to buy her things instead of myself doesn't even register. The way I love her is natural and easy. didn't come without a harsh gut check, though.

But, once I realized that I want my life (and hers) to be about "us" instead of "me," I changed.

..and it was effortless.


  1. NOW you can understand more and more just how much I love you Amanda. Because it was after another baby lost its life that yours became..SIMPLE put GOD intended for me to enjoy you! AND without a doubt He answered my prayers.. Now you are headed in a direction that every mother has to face..That's why being a parent comes with no instructions..That's because the creator wanted a parent or parents to depend solely on HIM. You are Emily's role model & on the top of her list of want to be's..NOW keep praying and continue to instruct her in HIS ways...I am proud of you too..I see you when you hug and kiss your baby..I share now from a different position as a grandmother. My heart is full of love for the both of you. Love you honey!

  2. The more I read your writing, the more I understand why we tend to understand each other well. I was totally spoiled rotten, only child syndrome. For me it went the other way though. I was the center of attention as a child and I never wanted to be. I wanted to be hidden, a shadow in the room. When I got older I decided it really was all about me... Me.... ME!!! That didn't change until I had Gabe. He became my whole world, but for a while I was so jealous. I missed "me time" too. It was not very long before I began to have some of that happy "me" time again and that wonderful "us" time too. I think it is just natural that we all, as new parents go through the selfish "ME" stage, and we work through it to make our lives so much better. It is the people stuck in the "ME" time their whole lives that truly miss out, and can never appreciate their friends and family, or the joys they bring to us.

    1. That is so true. Thanks for the elaboration. Glad someone knows exactly what I was talking about.

  3. Girl you make me think to much.... and remember. Can you imagine those same feelings at 17? Life is good.

    1. heehee, a little thinking never hurt nobody! :) It's actually good for ya!

      and no, I can't imagine those feelings at 17.

  4. Don't want to think, would rather be an idiot.

    Wait, I am one.