Oh boy.. here it goes.
So, I’ve been confusing a few people in my life lately. And, instead of trying to explain it, I’m just going to write until my fingers stop. I would like to take this moment to say that I’ve had an epiphany. I think it required a few proverbial slaps in the face. …but I got it! I got it.
It got me…. Then, I got it.
It got got…and I got got.
Got milk?
……. Yeah, so…..
Um. I have just recently been convicted of something that I want to share with you beautiful people (beautiful people).
For those of you who aren’t fortunate enough to be able to hang out with me, let me give you a little background on me; I was born with my foot in my mouth. That’s it. That’s all you have to know. But, since you asked, I will detail a bit more….
I have always had this strong urge to control everything. It’s one hell of a trait. And, because I deal with it, it’s difficult for me to GIVE IT UP. What is the last thing someone in control wants to do?.... let go. So… here’s my deal… I fix things. I make things right. If something is teetering, I ‘tot’ it. Make sense?
The only problem here is that I am a constant failure. I can muck something up to the point of no return! The world doesn’t work like I think it does. If it did, we would all be bouncing on clouds, sucking pomegranates and arresting spiders. Maybe fluffing a few pillows…
Guess what.
It’s not my place to control things. I heard a pastor this past Sunday say one of the most profound things that I think I’ve heard in a while…
He said (and I’m not gonna quote him, because I’m gonna mess it up) something like this: Are you really narcissistic enough to believe that the whole world rests on your shoulders? It’s not your job to handle everything. You don’t have to be perfect. That’s not your job.
Ok.. so that really hit me. And, since Sunday I’ve been dealing with some inner demons over it all. Do you know how difficult it is to change a primary trait? It’s dang near impossible. I can sit here and encourage and inspire all day long. That’s what I do. It’s what I love… but, when it all boils down to it, I really have no right to tell you what you should be striving for when I can’t get my own self under control. See? Dang it. There’s that word again.
I think all I need is a simple lobotomy. HEY! .. I didn’t type that! I meant to say that all I need is a simple change in vocabulary. Psssshhhh!!... That sounds nothing like lobotomy. I think someone put something in my jelly beans. I also think that there’s a constant need for people to feel accepted and loved. When it all boils down to it, I think that’s it. Trust, honesty, love, patience, kindness, selflessness, loyalty… All of those things that don’t exist at one time. Why? Because we are human. But you know what? They do exist.
Perfection is a trap. Control is a trap. Keep your little mouse paws clean, and don’t get trapped!
“squeeeeeeeaaaaakkkkk!!!!!” *snap!
Mission Complete.
As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree” – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
ReplyDeleteThat is so true! ...even the bark part. :)
DeleteI think there's a difference between wanting to fix things and wanting to control things. I see nothing wrong with wanting to right wrongs or help people who are in a bind. I think it's proactive and admirable in many ways. We aren't perfect, though, and we have to accept that we cannot fix everything, no matter how much we want to or how good we think our intentions. Maybe the failure to accept our imperfection and limitations is when wanting to help turns to wanting to control and narcissism.
ReplyDeleteYou're exactly right, Cary. I think my problem is by "fixing" something, it opens up a door for me to control the situation. It's a separation that I have to figure out how to draw in my own mind.
DeleteSometimes, fixing something means relinquishing control. And, I think that's what I have to work on.
Thanks for the insight. I appreciate it.
You know you are not alone. So many of us are great at giving advice, but terrible about listening to it ourselves. I think it is because we all, secretly, have a tiny voice inside us that questions it. Just the slighest bit of distrust, because there was that time we listened to our own advice...... and we got hurt. It is so much easier to listen to a 3rd party, hopefully an objective person. Even if they give us the same advice, it is just better coming from them. We all have someone we confide in. I know you always like to fight your own battles, and there is nothing wrong with that. You are a strong woman, doing whatever you can to find happiness for you and your child. What I think is that you openly invite some or us into your life, so maybe subconsciously what you are saying is: "Ok, I own this car and i am going to drive it, but I would like you to read me the map."
ReplyDeleteYou're right. But, I'm also the gal that will just say "You know what, let me have the map. I'll drive and read the directions all at once."
DeleteThat's what I am dealing with trying to change. I always say that I trust people too easily, but I believe that there are levels of trust...and just to generalize it like that is wrong. But, then again...I don't know if it's trust, or if it's just the fact that I like to be in control of things. "I can do it! Look at me! Give me praise and pat me on the head."
I guess I just thrive on gratification. And, I feel that if I can control situations in life, I will get more of that.
Messed up, right? lol... that's why I have fine folks like you and Fireman and Cary here to help me out. I appreciate all of your feedback, more than you know.
Hopefully, more people will start commenting on my blogs so I can get even MORE!
Yay!
:)
You are so right James. People need and want people, even if they don't think so. I did another one of those talks, in fact the first one I ever did was on just that. Community and how we have to be a part of one. I may share it one day, a very short revised version.
ReplyDeleteI would LOVE for you to share that!
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